We have both walked back and forth inside our minds. Rarely do we notice the traverse. Even less do we acknowledge the self. It is at the apex of these pendulum swings that the ego grasps and tries to hold. The utter impossibility of anchoring oneself in the sky is ignored in the hope, the seeming need, to associate with an extreme as our true self. It is this one sidedness of feeling to which the mind most easily can relate. To grasp the arc as a never ending process, the natural movement of maya, is a step in the right direction. To step back farther still and recognize the unchanging, unborn witness to this game may be closer still. Truth be told it is only when we dissolve into it all, observer and observed, that we can relax in absolute Oneness. None the less, for now it is the back and forth, the grasping and releasing that I want to discuss.
I have been watching an oscillation between us, from arrogance to unworthiness. I recognize it in myself and I feel you polarizing me in near perfection. It is a joy to behold from afar, but from within it pummels my heart. In moments I feel better than you and you feel me this way too. In others I am certain that you must leave me for someone greater and you wonder about this as well. I do not propose that we effort to stop this cycle. I only want to bring more consciousness to how getting lost within it has the potential to distract our relaxation as God together.
Yesterday I reached a point of frustration in my art. What a ridiculous phrase to relate. I found myself turning bowls on the lathe and once again things were not as I wished. A problem with the machine had me frustrated and problem solving. I hate frustration. I love problem solving. What a joyous place to be. Driving off in my car to search for what I hoped might be the much needed replacement part for the lathe a smile drew itself across my mind. A column of unbending light shown vertically through my core connecting to the earth below and the heavens above. From this place of stillness I watched the game of challenge and achievement playing out all around me. Everything became energy moving for my entertainment. My body laughed. In that moment I associated with none of it and all of it. I recognized myself as the unwavering still point bearing witness to it all while simultaneously laughing that I am both the victory and defeat happening around me as well. It all became a game, something to do with all this energy, where being ‘solved’ or not merely determines whether or not this game will have another inning or a new game will begin.
We often leave that place of stillness and only relate with the movement. Will the future bring us closer? Have our pasts been similar enough? Will this decision create a gap between us? This achievement make one of us more worthy? Will this realization allow one of us to see beyond the other?
Of course there are also the glorious moments when we our oscillations align. It is funny how it doesn’t seem to matter where in the cycle they do align. I can resonate with you in sadness or in exaltation. Fearless vulnerability is the key. Quite often it is right in the middle of the storm, where there is no movement at all, just stillness and peace, that I feel the most connected with you. It is in this place that I see us growing together, where one and one become One. It is because of this simple truth that I write. For the Truth is that this place exists in all of the other moments as well. In our highest highs and our lowest lows, whether feeling aligned or in polarity, this space of stillness persists. This place of stillness, silently witnessing while screaming along, both separate from and merged with all that arises, is the place I vow to remain anchored both for and through you. I will be your anchor to this repose as you so often are for me.
But in order to set anchors in this place we must resist the urge to identify with the the myriad perspectives that create a separation or polarity that minimizes the other. I do not mean to suggest that the oscillations will stop. Likely they will increase, flying ever farther from the center. What I suggest is that we become better at recognizing them for what they are, temporary, reversible; better at noticing the movements when they are small, and better at giving away our grandiose estimations of self as investments in the other. Let us be better at sparing one another unnecessary degrees of pain from being on the bottom side of a fleeting polarity for longer than is helpful. The wakeup call must come freely from both sides of the equation, from feeling power and from feeling lack. The call to meet in a divine unquantifiable embrace is courageous from either side of the equation.
My truth lies comfortably in the unknown. It is when feeling the boundless potential of true uncertainty that I most appreciate having your hand to hold, your heart to call home. It is then that the warmth flowing between our bodies makes me feel the most alive, the most certain that I have more to give this world. It is with you that I want to serve all others. Recognizing this play between us is but one way that our relationship will teach us how to better serve others. Our connection can act as a template from which to relate with all.
I say let the arrogance come. Let the fear and doubt flow. A healthy relationship may well minimize them both in time, but it certainly must be a container which is ready to hold them first. Through it all I vow to remain anchored in the unchanging creator of it all whom we both truly are. As Her we will plant the seeds of our relationship. On this fertile land I will lay with you watching the beautiful mess that grows out all around us, as us.
– I offer this to you. I truly do. But it was drawn forth by my love for Hana. I wrote her this letter while I was living on a mountain for a year. My desire to let my highest love be the template for all relationships called me to share this with you. I post this today in celebration of becoming a Certified Integral Relationships Professional. If you sense that there is room for more love in your relationships I would love to work with you. Contact me any time for a free consultation.